Mom+Bonusmamma vs Bonusmamma

Annoyed womenSo what’s the difference?  I read somewhere that a fellow stepmom’s life changed when her own little spawn was born. Isn’t that the same for every woman, regardless? I would only guess so as I don’t have any mini-me – yet.

As a stepmom who is not a mom, I struggle to relate to what the moms really feel. I mean, I can imagine, but not really understand. I wonder if the bio-mom in my life wonders what it is to be a bonusmamma. You see, stepmoms wonder a lot of stuff when confronted with the facts of being a stepmom.  We wonder about how it will be, how to survive, how to go through it with grace, how did we get into this, and many things more, including: how would it be to be on the other side. As an example, right now I am wondering whether she wonders how it would be to swap sides and step into my fabulous stillettos – well, you know what I mean.

Does she ever wonder what it is to look after someone else’s kiddos after a long day at the office? What would she say about having to permanently deal with kids who she did not have a part bringing into the world? I wonder if she ever wonders what it is to have a tower of laundry the size of the tower of Pisa with  clothes that belong to someone else’s kids. Does she wonder what it is to cook for hours to then get a disgusted look from a child who is not hers? I bet she also sighs with relief when the kids’ playmates get picked up by their parents after having spent the whole Saturday at her place causing havoc (I know I do!).

I wonder if we swapped places, would she be a good bonusmamma to my kids? What I do know for sure is that I have all the potential of being a nightmare bio-mom, so it would not be an easy task to be the bonusmamma of my (unexistent) kids! So how would she put up with it?

The truth is you can’t know – until you are there. I can’t know how she really feels when Friday comes and she says good-bye to her kids for a week. And I can’t know how it feels to say hello again after a week of being appart.

I really think that all bio vs bonus issues are due to a lack of knowledge. She knows as much of what it is to be a bonusmamma, as I know of what it is to be a biomom. So what’s next?

It is Thursday, my last “free” day before another week of changing roles from newlywed to bonusmamma to a 6 and 8 years old girlies.



  1. Oh, how I can relate! Personally I think it’s really hard to express this kind of thoughts; because it’s sort of taboo. But maybe it shouldn’t be. Why must a bonusparent always be the most patient, caring and understanding person around the kids, if not even the biological parents can achieve that (who has the advantage that they’ve loved the children unconditionally since they were born)? I’m looking forward to follow your blog!


    1. Hi Veronica,

      Glad to hear you like it! There is so much to talk about on the subject, and almost as much taboo around out. It is hard for people to say things that they might be thinking or feeling, but that are “against” conventionalisms. The stepfamily subject is particularly delicate. I will try to write as often as I can; some times knowing that you are not the only one feeling that way is conforting enough!


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